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Posted in Glory!, Music, The Blood | 18 Comments

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God’s Plan

Christians who get screwed over by God’s plan should rejoice, for they are part of God’s plan.  Let’s say, for example, a racist cuntknuckle walks into an historic black church and murders nine innocent people.  Hypothetically, of course.  The victimized church and other Christians should rejoice in the knowledge that it was all part of God’s plan.  They should celebrate and shout “Glory to God for murdering my sister and my dad!”  “Thank you, Lord, for bringing death, destruction and agony within Your plan!”  “Praise Jesus, this will be totally worth it when I die some day!”

If they were to cry and be upset, that would be denying the wisdom and glory of God’s wonderful plan.  God doesn’t like it when you deny His plan.  He might strike down upon you with great wrath and furious vengeance for questioning His wisdom.  So, just to be safe, don’t be upset when tragedy strikes.  That would just be disrespectful.

 

God's Plan

Posted in Glory!, God's Plan, The Blood | 22 Comments

Starving for Jesus

Goodly Christians are reaching out to starving Muslim refugees in towns like Ramadi Inn, or whatever it’s called. They’ve run away from Allah’s minions (AKA ISIS), and are now homeless in the desert. Their homelessness only compounds their already serious aroma problem.

Despite worshipping a deity who forbids the use of soap in the one part of the world that needs it the most, nice Christians are donating much needed Bible MP3’s to help out. Why audio-Bibles instead of instead of food, water, shelter or medicine? Because they can’t read. Praise Jesus!

BigWhiteMiracle

Posted in Charity | 10 Comments

Georgia to Allow Family Bible Beatings

Georgia will soon pass a law that allows a man to beat his wife and children exactly as the Bible commands.  Finally! State-endorsed beatings for Jesus!  Brothers, this is what we’ve been working so hard to accomplish…  putting the Bible back into American laws the way Ben Franklin and Thomas Jefferson intended.

Rep. Sam Teasley and Sen. Josh McKoon have worked tirelessly to make this law permitting domestic violence (AKA “Godly correction”) a reality.  These fine Republicans will stop at nothing to put God’s heavy fist of love into every home in Georgia (and eventually the USA).  Christians have been oppressed for too long by man-made laws.  It’s time to violently punish the women and children as instructed in Ephesians 5:22-24 and 1 Timothy 2:11-15 and Psalm 137:9 and Proverbs 22:15 and Exodus 21:17 and 1 Peter 2:13 and 1 Corinthians 14:34-36 and Oh, Hallelujah!  Oh, God, yes!  Glorious Jesus Christ Almighty!  Jesus is coming!  OH YES!  Yes!!  Yes.  yes.    …  um.  yeah.  wow.

Jesus came once already.  Imagine how much harder he’ll come the second time when he sees all the women and children subjugated exactly as He commanded it!  Praise God!

Corrected Wife

What do you tell a woman with two black eyes?

 

Posted in Glory!, Oppression, The Blood | 48 Comments

(Seven Signs) Satan Stole Christmas

Satan stole Christmas and these seven signs are proof!  Consider the following:

  1. December 25th is the date of the re-birth of the sun in Mithraism (the 2600 year old religion in which a virgin gave birth to the son of god who was crucified and resurrected to save the believers).
  2. St. Nicholas, Thor and Odin all sneak into homes to deliver gifts in exchange for proper worship.
  3. Odin would land on rooftops to deliver his gifts while riding an 8-legged horse named “Sleipneer” which sounded like a team of reindeer on the roof.
  4. A Christmas tree comes from the December Saturnalia festival in worship of the Roman God Saturn.
  5. Kissing beneath a mistletoe comes from Druid tradition (filthy, filthy Druids).
  6. Yule is a Scandinavian god of fertility, and is the source of Yule-tidings.
  7. Even innocent looking winter wreaths and holly decorations are a pagan/wiccan tradition.

This Christmas, just lock yourself in a closet and pray for it to all go away.  And for Christ’s sake, don’t sing any Christmas Carols or you may summon the spirits of the damned right into your own living room!

ChristmasStockings

Satan stole Christmas

 

 

 

Posted in Holidays | 46 Comments